Pages from My Journal
In this collage are magazine clippings and a photo of me that a photographer took
in Florida while I attended a National Bodybuilding/Fitness Event.
I had bought my first new car.
Friends, never judge by appearances.
At this season of my life many were jealous of what they saw superficially.
But what's happening beneath the surface is what is significant.
It was one of the most challenging seasons of my life.
I was involved in an unhealthy relationship, diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
with regard to the childhood sexual abuse I had endured and dealing with the feelings that had been suppressed from that period. In addition to these, I was battling a well hidden eating disorder and depression. Additionally I was running a wonderfully successful business, attending college,training myself and a 8-12 clients daily and volunteering with youth. Things were not indeed what they appeared. My life was like a speeding bullet with no target.
Although I had accepted Christ, I did not understand that His desires and goals needed to have preeminence. I knew of His love in a vague, distant way but had yet to learn that He desired more for me. My Good Shepherd let this sheep have her way, for a season.
In the end all of my worldly pursuits and accomplishments...even my seeking of wholeness,
would be surrendered and satisfied completely by acknowledgment of His gracious, merciful, faithful and everlasting presence and love for me.
In retrospect even though outwardly I certainly was not living in light of the Truth I now hold dear, there were lessons and insights that led me to desire that "more" that only is satisfied by personal relationship with the One True Living God. On His terms.
I was still trying to wheel and deal with God on my terms in this season.
Praise Him that He is patient and merciful.
As I paged through this journal looking for an appropriate page to share, I saw in the words what is best described as a baby Christian living a carnal life. Fleshly battles and worldly pursuits litter each page. But you know friends, the Spirit of God goes where He wills, lays evidence even in these soiled pages. Evidence of His grace everywhere. An accountant who donates time and money to help my business, a client who loans me money to buy expensive equipment because he believes in me, a faithful following of many who bless me in business and allow me to share in their lives. Opportunities and lessons that have impacted, shaped and influenced me to this day.
God's provision through precious people and circumstances is everywhere.
I am grateful for this record and reminder, once again of who I am apart from Him but also of His providence in my life. I am encouraged to know that although the journey continues, growth is evident.
There is some fruit, and the assurance that more will be grown.
Roots are deep.
This tree has weathered a few storms,
but there is life in the limbs and leaves.
This tree will continue to grow, produce and be rooted, beautifully by, in and through His grace.