|Random Journal Day Link Up # 19|
Hello, Friends! Well this week I am sharing from a journal that I just adored for it's sweet beauty. I picked it up in one of my favorite shops in Newport, RI (back in the days where I was a little more free wheeling with my cash in the journal department). It was a beautifully hand-sewn, jagged edge papered, small journal that I loved so much I think I have another one exactly the same, only slightly larger. So I apologize for my late entry but pools, weddings and soon to be gone Summer days have kept me busy!
A little back-story on this snapshot from my life at this time before I share the rambling entry.
I was single, running a Personal Training Business and an exceedingly busy,
part time student as well.
If you want a visual image of my life, I picture it a speeding train.
I did not know that in my near future I would completely
derail and the course of my life would be forever altered.
Speeding trains rarely know this in advance, because well, they are just speeding through life!
At this time I was also involved with my church family and after a full morning, fellowship at friends after,
I escape to the beach alone but for a blanket, journal and pen.
Alone, longing to connect with the One who I know will willingly meet me there.
I have been struggling in my flesh, about what? I'm unsure.
Whom have I, but you Lord, that I should desire another?
And what for anyway?
Haven't I concluded and reasonably so that it is a helpless lot...
romance, full of illusion, distraction, loss of momentum?
I don't even understand myself.
Don't even want what I'm afraid I can't handle anyway.
Yet, what then?
I have been crucified with Christ and yet I live, yet not I, but Christ in me.
And the life I now live I live for the One who loved me and died
that I might be dead to sin and alive to Him, in Him and through Him.
Amen, Amen, Amen.
I'm mad at myself...
I've been spending too much money and am mad at myself
that God has dealt with me yet I still foolishly straggle behind like a lame lamb.
You know Lord, sometimes I wonder of what use I am.
I don't really seem to do anything well.
What do I do well?
I don't listen well.
I don't speak persuasively as I'd like.
I don't lay down my life and give as freely as I'd like, I don't finish what I start and I desire to have pure motives, but am hopelessly (apart from Christ) incapable of the simplest thing without some remnants of sin in my motive...recognizable or not.
Sometimes I wonder how anyone (apart from my Creator)
could love me.
And I know you do, Lord.
I don't see anything so lovable in my being or character...
though I do desire to be loved as we all do.
Not only are there my character flaws, but there are management flaws...defects...
I'll jump ahead now- this is a LONG ONE...
Now, I know my Father in Heaven values me, loves me and I am precious to Him.
Again, I am dumbstruck as to why.
Last night He led me to Hosea.
As I drove here (beach) tonight I thought,
is it my own desire to serve God
(be mighty, do something FOR Him)
which could be my own destruction?
Is it this ambition which drives, which is destructive and not even from above?
Is it striving?
Oh, I'm feeling so ...sinful.
I desire holiness, yet I am aware of my own lack thereof.
This truly is wretched as Paul has well described.
The song most on my mind is Refiner's Fire-
I even had Stephanie sing it for me today.
Something has to give, and I'm sure it is me.
Lord, I'm mad that I am always wanting to buy more books
yet the only book that matters is YOURS and the time I make for it.
Lord, I'm mad at myself that I still look at a man and am even curious or attracted to him when you alone are worthy of my affection and devotion.
Lord, I am mad at myself that You alone are worthy of my affection and devotion and yet I find ways to lavish my attention and emotions in and on less than your best.
Lord, how I fail the smallest command.
How I complicate the clearest orders and directions.
How true it is we can't have it all.
Oh, Lord- help me from being deceived into believing anything
but your pure unadulterated truth.
Oh, God- How can I be faithful?
How can I be trusted?
How can I be trusted?
How can I like myself?
Something's got to give and I'm sure it is me.
Well friends, I had more questions and confessions that day on the beach and I want to tell you
that although I do not have all the answers, even still-
Knowing the One who does, makes all the difference.
I know Him better now than I did in 1999.
He continues to meet me in my rambling journal writing.
Yet, oh how He has shown me and grown me, despite my less than perfect obedience.
He certainly has carried this Lame Little Lamb through many trials,
and I think the lamb has finally come to a place of quiet confidence in
The One True Living God... forever to be continued!
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