8.05.2012

Something's Got To Give (RJD #19)

Random Journal Day Link Up # 19

Hello, Friends! Well this week I am sharing from a journal that I just adored for it's sweet beauty. I picked it up in one of my favorite shops in Newport, RI (back in the days where I was a little more free wheeling with my cash in the journal department). It was a beautifully hand-sewn, jagged edge papered, small journal that I loved so much I think I have another one exactly the same, only slightly larger. So I apologize for my late entry but pools, weddings and soon to be gone Summer days have kept me busy!

A little back-story on this snapshot from my life at this time before I share the rambling entry.

I was single, running a Personal Training Business and an exceedingly busy, 
part time student as well.
If you want a visual image of my life, I picture it a speeding train.
I did  not know that in my near future I would completely
 derail and the course of my life would be forever altered. 
Speeding trains rarely know this in advance, because well, they are  just speeding through life!
At this time I was also involved with my church family and after a full morning, fellowship at friends after,
I escape to the beach alone but for a blanket, journal and pen.
Alone, longing to connect with the One who I know will willingly meet me there.



***
I have been struggling in my flesh, about what? I'm unsure.
Loneliness?
Whom have I, but you Lord, that I should desire another?
And what for anyway?
Haven't I concluded and reasonably so that it is a helpless lot...
romance, full of illusion, distraction, loss of momentum?
I don't even understand myself.
Don't even want what I'm afraid I can't handle anyway.
Yet, what then?
I have been crucified with Christ and yet I live, yet not I, but Christ in me.
And the life I now live I live for the One who loved me and died 
that I might be dead to sin and alive to Him, in Him and through Him. 
Amen, Amen, Amen.
(Galatians 2:20)
I'm mad at myself...
I've been spending too much money and am mad at myself 
that God has dealt with me yet I still foolishly straggle behind like a lame lamb.
You know Lord, sometimes I wonder  of what use I am. 
I don't really seem to do anything well.
What do I do well?
I don't listen well.
I don't speak persuasively as I'd like.
I don't lay down my life and give as freely as I'd like, I don't finish what I start and I desire to have pure motives, but am hopelessly (apart from Christ) incapable of the simplest thing without some remnants of sin in my motive...recognizable or not.
Sometimes I wonder how anyone (apart from my Creator)
could love me.
And I know you do, Lord.
Why?
I don't see anything so lovable in my being or character...
though I do desire to be loved as we all do.
Not only are there my character flaws, but there are management flaws...defects...
I'll jump ahead now- this is a LONG ONE...



Now, I know my Father in Heaven values me, loves me and I am precious to Him. 
Again, I am dumbstruck as to why.
Last night He led me to Hosea.
As I drove here (beach) tonight I thought, 
is it my own desire to serve God 
(be mighty, do something FOR Him) 
which could be my own destruction?
Is it this ambition which drives, which is destructive and not even from above?
Is it striving?
Oh, I'm feeling so ...sinful.
I desire holiness, yet I am aware of my own lack thereof.
This truly is wretched as Paul has well described.
The song most on my mind is Refiner's Fire- 
I even had Stephanie sing it for me today.

Something has to give, and I'm sure it is me.

Lord, I'm mad that I am always wanting to buy more books 
yet the only book that matters is YOURS and the time I make for it.

Lord, I'm mad at myself that I still look at a man and am even curious or attracted to him when you alone are worthy of my affection and devotion.

Lord, I am mad at myself that You alone are worthy of my affection and devotion and yet I find ways to lavish my attention and emotions in and on less than your best.
Lord, how I fail the smallest command.
How I complicate the clearest orders and directions.
How true it is we can't have it all.
Oh, Lord- help me from being deceived into believing anything 
but your pure unadulterated truth.

Oh, God- How can I be faithful?
How can I be trusted?
How can I like myself?

Something's got to give and I'm sure it is me.

****

Well friends, I had more questions and confessions that day on the beach and I want to tell you 
that although I do not have all the answers, even still-
Knowing the One who does, makes all the difference.

I know Him better now than I did in 1999.
He continues to meet me in my rambling journal writing. 
Yet, oh how He has shown me and grown me, despite my less than perfect obedience.
He certainly has carried this Lame Little Lamb through many trials, 
and I think the lamb has finally come to a place of quiet confidence in 
The One True Living God... forever to be continued!


Drop by and see others Journal shares and consider sharing from your own
Or start keeping a journal, today! 
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11 comments:

  1. Sounds like typical thoughts of Christian-on-the-too-fast-track. No time to get the head together! been there, done that. Kinda rough on yourself there, weren't you? Especially in a couple places? Oh, thank God for His sweet grace, carrying all us lame lambs in His loving arms, bringing us to that quiet confidence. Thanks for bravely sharing this. I'm not sure I can be so brave! :)

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    1. I thank God for the journey and His grace. I think I am unafraid to share because of His faithfulness. I want people to understand that there is always more going on BENEATH THE SURFACE, than what is seen in the lives of others. We see glimpses- God sees all.God is able to lead each of His own, meeting them where they are and gently embracing them in His grace. That's what I know.

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  2. Expecting a lot of yourself but I can hear myself in your journal. I have written entries similar to that before.

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    1. Kristina, important to note that this was not originally meant to be shared, so it is written in a raw before God kind of openness. I had yet to really understand much about grace, His righteousness and true freedom. Definitely some growing pains here...;)

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    2. Absolutely! I like what you said above "there is always more going on beneath the surface than what is seen in the lives of others." So very true. I have done a lot of learning about grace recently and I can look back and see that some of my frustrations with myself stemmed from or were contributed to by a lack of understanding about grace. I thought I had to be perfect and I thought I could achieve it too!

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    3. Yes, Kristina! We are in a progression, this side of Heaven. He is good to open our eyes, and He does it progressively! We are on the beginning of a Never-Ending Journey until that time we see Him fully as He is. Grateful for friends along the way- as iron sharpens iron!

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  3. Well said my friend...thanks for sharing, " grace " is a beautiful thing, we can never get enough!

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    1. Indeed, and don't we know it. Praising Him with you, Mary!

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  4. We are all less than perfect...and we all have struggled with our lack of complete trust and obedience to God's divine leading in our lives. We have all jumped ahead of God from time to time, and have reaped the "rewards" or consequences of doing so. But God in His mercy still loves us, cares for us, and continues to show us His grace. Praise God! He never gives up on us! Amen?!! Thank you for this honest post. I love knowing that I am not alone in being human.

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    1. It is what it is...part of sharing these posts for me is knowing that somewhere, someone else needs to feel it's OK to come out from hiding.
      By opening up and sharing these peeks, it is my hope and prayer that the someone(s) would gain a glimpse of His transforming grace in the life of this sinner journeying toward holiness...one step, trip up and fall at a time!

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  5. Dawn, what resonated with me about your post was you saying "How can I like myself" and also how hard you were on your self. I too have been in a place where I did not like myself, I think I still don't and I know I am hard on myself to. Thank you for sharing because it is a relief to know others feel that way to. We all seem to go through a lot of angst with the expectations we put on our self. Are we loveable? That is the hardest question we ask of all. I love the sound of going to the beach to write, unfortunaetly I live too far from the beach to be able to do that :-).

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walk along the shore with me and leave your footprints in the sand-
I'm listening, friend...in November I will not be replying so often, but instead slip quietly over to your place for a visit. ;)