6.16.2012

Time, Sleep, Death and Life (RDJ #12)

This "Journal" is a a Purple Loose Leaf Binder
which Aurora finds comfortable...

Today for my Random Journal Day share, I am going to give some back story, dear ones. Actually, a journal is quite revealing. The day I am sharing is actually from a binder that I used in the days I was very involved in a few Writing Groups. I had accepted Christ in 1992, but without getting grounded in the word and even more than that, unwilling to let go of a relationship that was clearly not the Lord's will, I slipped into a life of backsliding. Pretty much without even understanding what that meant. God showed me the next year. After that He turned my life upside down and I let Him do so, willingly. I still made some pretty bad choices along the way. I messed up, fell down and got back up...but as a baby going from crawling to walking I finally found my stride. I am still learning not to rush ahead of Him, and how to follow Him without second guessing or double-mindedness. Or shortcuts. But now, we walk, dart playfully, laugh and dance together along the way. He is so good. Keep in mind that when I wrote this, I did not have the assurance of my salvation. I did not understand many of the scriptural truths that are the foundation to my trust, confidence, peace and joy in Him, now. This comes by taking Him at His word. Those who believe God's word and put their trust in Him will be given much insight and spiritual power, because His word is alive. To trust the word, you have to know it. Not part of it. Not morsel-ed. You have to eat it, digest it, study it and let it seep into your soul. Those who want to take the word and conform it to their own understanding instead of be conformed to it, by it, will be deceived and unable to receive the fullness of His grace. That's my opinion. And I believe I have the Spirit of God.
This entry was written when I had more questions than answers, and while I still was relying on my own understanding, not fully trusting and believing His word. So keep that in the back of your mind. Oh, the difference a surrendered life makes. He waits for us to give ourselves over fully to the beauty and perfection of His truth. 


August 21, 1996

Time. Time is always on my mind. Am I learning enough- am I missing the point?
I wrote in a poem once these words, "Have I lost myself in the inquiry?",
which would be an ironic twist- to lose oneself in the searching for oneself- isn't that an oxymoron or something?
To be so lost in the questions, the lessons of life-
to not see the forest for the trees. 
Time...how I spend it- always aware- aware that garbage in is garbage out- careful of how I spend time...
frugal and generous at the same time...(?)
Should I spend time alone or with someone?
Time is all I really have and I'm so greedy for it yet like a child with candy, I so want it to last...
Can't control it, stop it...
Sometimes I lay awake at night staring at the ceiling, fighting sleep...
Is it time or life?
I lay there thinking sleep is such a waste of time and so I turn the light back on and go to the shelf take four or five books even though it's late and I know I can't possibly be awake every moment I'm alive...
can I?

I like to watch the moonlight through the trees, that shines through my window across my bed and walls, washing my room with shadows and dancing leaves...

How could I want to miss this moment?

If I go to sleep, I'll  miss it and I love that...
Time...in the context of seconds, minutes, hours days, months, years...what really matters...in retrospect...
My relationship with God and myself is the one thing I can count on. 
I guess knowing that might be the most important lesson of all.

Peace...Love...Time... hmm, those don't go well together.
My time..
Precious time...
Little time...
Time running out.
No wonder I never liked to sleep when I was  little.
I would stay up and make collages, write poetry, copy lyrics to favorite songs.
Anything but sleep.
What a colossal waste of my time I thought that sleep.
Uh, uh-not me- I'll stay up all night.
Isn't it funny? I'm so much older now. 
But no matter how much things change they stay the same. 

Am I still a lost little girl?
I don't think I am...
I don't feel like one?

Sleeping still seems to me (or that little girl inside) to be too much of a slice of my life to not at least put up a fight 4 or 5 times a week...

Sleeping like death...
not conscious,
not awake,
 still...

Maybe all my life what I don't like about sleep is how much it maybe reminds me of death...

But I never thought of that before- I don't think.
Time, sleep, death, life...
I need more time...
less sleep,
more life
and what about death?
The end...or beginning?
Beyond my comprehension...
Is my obsession with time about my fear of death?

Yuck.

Marlise' s Peonies, Grace's Espresso set: gifts
to me from such lovely ladies. 






Feel free to PEEK or SHARE from your own JOURNAL!

12 comments:

  1. Isn't it a mixed bittersweet feeling to see our own growth right there in black and white? You have grown, matured and gained confidence in Christ in you.
    To see growth by looking at our words from the past is a beautiful gift for us today. I love your passionate heart, that hasn't changed at all!

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    1. Yes, Susie- I almost had a Journal Burning Party at one point but refrained. There is a lot in there that is YUCK but then I never forget who I am without Christ...it's all right there- actually the earlier B.C. journals are VERY revealing. Thankfully grace covers it all. Praise Jesus!

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  2. Wow. What a journey. When I read your words, I'm not just reading what YOU say, I'm also hearing the voices of others I love who are right where you were--on the cusp of belief, but not quite tipped into it. And who you are TODAY encourages me to keep on keeping on in prayer for them. That that there will be a tipping point and they WILL come to Him. You ARE the witness to this. I rejoice in your life for you, and as a promise for all who aren't quite in the Kingdom. Thank you. But really, Thank HIM.

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    1. Yes, I think we do have to remember Carolyn to persevere in prayer. So often we do not see what God is doing beneath the surface of another individual so we judge prematurely and without complete understanding. He is faithful!

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  4. Dawn:
    I hear the anguish of your soul as you try to make sense of all the things that seem to affect your life. These thoughts belong to each new believer as he or she gets his or her footing into who they are and whose they are.
    I'm glad you didn't burn those journals. There could be a lot of meat in them.

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    1. Cecelia, thanks so much for commenting and seeing through the angst! Yes, I guess, we all need to remember that He loved us...while we were yet sinners.
      I need to remember this even now as I interact with those who are in different stages of their own Christian life. I am glad I did not burn them, too! lol

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  6. These questions seem inevitable to us...having these journals to look back on is really nice.

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    1. Yes, the questions are inevitable, Kim. True. Thanks for visiting!

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  7. I am proud of you that you still have your journals - can find when you wrote about certain things and then how much you have grown. I think growing with Christ is our life long job. Sandie

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  8. What struck me most is when you said about the Word, "You have to eat it, digest it, study it and let it seep into your soul." I so agree! We can't just skim through our bible reading and expect to be equipped for the challenges that come our way,

    It's really cool to keep a journal and look back to see how far we've come.

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walk along the shore with me and leave your footprints in the sand-
I'm listening, friend...in November I will not be replying so often, but instead slip quietly over to your place for a visit. ;)