6.30.2011

Too Many Lives I Have Lived (Part 1)


I have been called many things in my life, but one that rings truest to me is the one a client spoke to me one day during our session. As I put her through her moves at the gym where I was working at the time, she turned to me thoughtfully and said  "You are an 'old soul'. "
I asked her what she meant and she thought about how she wanted to articulate clearly this description before she continued.
Old Soul...hmmm, to me it meant I had lived too many lives.
My conclusion lately is indeed I have, lived too many lives, and I am self-admittedly in agreement with this lovely woman's observation, which actually took place many years ago.

I have seen too much, experienced too much,
 loved too freely and lived beyond the reach of my years.

I have spent myself in too many directions and have found the wisdom of Solomon to be true:
"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the teacher.
 "Everything is meaningless!"

I remember sitting in my East Side apartment high in the trees, gazing out the window over the city and pondering the words in Ecclesiastes for months as God began doing a deep surgery on the inner being of my heart. I was so immersed in the world around me at the time and in danger of drowning in my own existence. Really, things were looking good from a worldly perspective. I was working with some of the most affluential people in our state. Money, came and went and came again. I enjoyed the people I worked with and had success. I dealt with those who were jealous as well as those who seemed to want to put me on a pedestal I had no desire to be on.

  But things were being stirred up 
just beneath the surface. 


Then there were those things I experienced earlier in my life...some that were beyond my control. As a child - sexual abuse, divorce, many moves, rejection, abandonment, ADHD intervention and fatherlessness. By the time I headed into my teen years I was a prime candidate for most likely to not live beyond 20. As a teen- running away from home, abortion, quitting school, and generally rebelling and rejecting every authority and establishment possible was added to my list of "accomplishments".
Did I mention drugs & alcohol?  They were in the mix, but I was always a thinker and they could not hold me, as I was drawn to thinking deeply and I enjoyed engaging others in philosophical conversations...when I wasn't being completely wild, wacky or under the influence myself.
I did not like how people focused (myself as well) on certain drugs/alcohol and I saw so how they consumed those who became intrigued by them.
  A hatred grew within me toward anything that would seek mastery of me.
This, in itself, would become my biggest obstacle to overcome in my life of faith. It still is.
Wasted years?
In many ways, yes.
But in the hands of a Redeeming God, no way.
Too many lives I have lived- yes indeed.
Sometimes I cannot keep the facts straight, in all honesty.
But living out the years I have now, available to Him in compassion, humility, joy, peace and power, by his grace for his glory by the means he chooses is Wisdom of The Ages.
It is knowledge beyond me.
How He gives beauty for ashes is my story.
And no man, or woman, can ever mess with that.
Take it to the bank. The Eternal bank, that is!

Verses to Ponder: Colossians 1:13-14 & 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 ; 2:14,15

I am still reflecting and thinking of my friend, Steve (last post). Remembering him is what prompted my writing today.
He is one of the most significant people in my life that I have lost. I just have not had many people yet go from this life. He has taken  piece of my heart with him...and I am not the same. That is just the way it is. I did not even realize it until now.

More to come, as I continue to level the land and dig Beneath the Surface,

Thank you for stopping by,

In His Amazing Grace,
Dawn

4 comments:

  1. The future has a promise for you, and by His grace and unconditional love for us we can forget the past and look forward to a passionate future! :) Thanks for sharing ... :)
    Denise

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  2. I think the connection with not wanting anyone to have mastery of you, and struggling with faith, is an interesting one. It makes a whole lot of sense.

    Your writing and your faith are beautiful! :)

    Thank you so much for the sweet email & for sending me over here to your blog.

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. I think we can all say we have been a slave to our past. I know I use to define myself by my past and considered myself unworthy of God's love, mercy and forgiveness. I condemned myself and suffered many, many years. He knows when we are ready to surrender to him, and it's all in his timing. Our suffering has made us stronger and brought us out of the darkness into the light. Hopefully, our stories and witnessing will help others...God Bless~

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walk along the shore with me and leave your footprints in the sand-
I'm listening, friend...in November I will not be replying so often, but instead slip quietly over to your place for a visit. ;)